I’ve neglected this blog so much. It’s turning into my first blog, months without post. So much has happened in the last several months since I posted last. I’ve gained more weight than listed in one of my previous post, I’ve lost my job about 4 months ago, I’ve gotten braces and I recently celebrated my 35th birthday a week ago. My life is in ago transition period. A friend of my asked what it is that I am looking forward to in my 35th year as a group of us was hanging out for my birthday. I told her that I hope to find the job I want making decent money and being able to travel more. I also want to get back to being healthy weight wise as I was before my surgery last year. Thinking of one more thing, I want to be be in a relationship this year. I thought to myself some days ago that I need to claim that. I have been lonely for a long time. My last relationship was many years ago and the last time I kind of dated someone was over 3 years ago. I’ve gone on dates since then but I am not meshing with the men I meet. It is very frustrating. As I write this I am lonely. It is about 7:30am and a little bit ago I cried wondering if I will ever find someone for me. I feel like I have been feeling a lot more sad about tgis lately. Maybe because od the winter months. Maybe because I just turned 35. I wonder someone would ever love me. I wonder if I would find what I exactly want. I know people say it will happen when it’s supposed to but I am 35 with no kids. I have dealt with gynecological issues and my clock is ticking. They say pray for it but it still hasn’t happened. I’ve prayed for this year’s ago well before 30. I am now 35. Maybe I’m just not ready. Maybe I’m too awkward. I thought to maybe just have a friend with benefits bit I realized that that is not for me. I want love. I want a relationship. Sometimes it just seems like I will never find that person to love me, who loves every part of me, even my awkwardness, my quirks, my introvertedness, my stubbornness, my weaknesses, and love me even awkwardness I battle through depression and anxiety. As I press through my insecurities.
Last night I went to grab dinner by myself before I headed back home after attending 3 friends vending events. I was the only person sitting in the restaurant. A guy walks in and immediately ask me “would you like some company?” I was taken aback by that and in my awkwardness I laughed and said “what?”. He then went to order his food. I got in line behind him to get a bottle of water bit got back to my seat before him. He then got his food and was walking to the door. I asked him “what did you say earlier?” and he said “I asked if you could use some company” and pointed to the empty chair in front of me. I kind of laughed again nervously and awkwardless and shrugged “I don’t know, I guess”. He then said “well you have a good night” and left. I wanted to go outside after him because I felt so dumb for not letting him sit with me. I didn’t know if I should. Part of me thought what if he was a weirdo. I am always apprehensive about men approaching me because of my experience with weird men and street harassment. On the other hand He was attractive. I thought he was cute. Why didn’t I just say “sure” and let him? He could’ve been a nice guy. I did think he looked kind of young. He could’ve been close in age to me. I hate that I didn’t say sure. I was timing my bus though and needed to get home. Ugh. Talk about a missed opportunity . I always complain about men not aproaching me but when they do, I am either oblivious or Hella awkward. I wish I wasn’t so awkward when it came to dating. It really hinders my dating life I feel. I wish that men could look past my awkwardness and still pursue me. I feel like I’m a good catch and an great gal. Sure I have some things to work on but I’m very caring. Oh well. I text my friends after that happened and they gave mixed advice. When I asked a little bit ago on FB, the few people who commented said they would let a random person sit with them Ugh. What is wrong either me???
When I left out the restaurant and vice few minutes after him, I didn’t seem him on the street. I thought to maybe say something if it did. But I didn’t see gim and it was snowing and dark outside so I wouldn’t be able to see him anyways. I just walked to the bus stop mad at myself for not letting him sit with me. I ended up speaking to one of my friends on a phone a little bit after that happened and she said that maybe I need to eat alone by myself more often. I told her it probably won’t happen again because it never does. She said it might and to just try. The neighborhood I was in was a neighborhood I wanted to move too. I feel like it would put me around more black men. It was a black man who asked to sit with me. Maybe I’ll run into him again if I don’t forget his face. I guess I will just have to go to that restaurant and neighborhood to eat more often to see.