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I’ve neglected this blog so much. It’s turning into my first blog, months without post. So much has happened in the last several months since I posted last. I’ve gained more weight than listed in one of my previous post, I’ve lost my job about 4 months ago, I’ve gotten braces and I recently celebrated my 35th birthday a week ago. My life is in ago transition period. A friend of my asked what it is that I am looking forward to in my 35th year as a group of us was hanging out for my birthday. I told her that I hope to find the job I want making decent money and being able to travel more. I also want to get back to being healthy weight wise as I was before my surgery last year. Thinking of one more thing, I want to be be in a relationship this year. I thought to myself some days ago that I need to claim that. I have been lonely for a long time. My last relationship was many years ago and the last time I kind of dated someone was over 3 years ago. I’ve gone on dates since then but I am not meshing with the men I meet. It is very frustrating. As I write this I am lonely.  It is about 7:30am and a little bit ago I cried wondering if I will ever find someone for me. I feel like I have been feeling a lot more sad about tgis lately. Maybe because od the winter months. Maybe because I just turned 35. I wonder someone would ever love me. I wonder if I would find what I exactly want. I know people say it will happen when it’s supposed to but I am 35 with no kids. I have dealt with gynecological issues and my clock is ticking. They say pray for it but it still hasn’t happened. I’ve prayed for this year’s ago well before 30. I am now 35. Maybe I’m just not ready. Maybe I’m too awkward. I thought to maybe just have a friend with benefits bit I realized that that is not for me. I want love. I want a relationship. Sometimes it just seems like I will never find that person to love me, who loves every part of me, even my awkwardness, my quirks, my introvertedness, my stubbornness, my weaknesses, and love me even awkwardness I battle through depression and anxiety. As I press through my insecurities.

Last night I went to grab dinner by myself before I headed back home after attending 3 friends vending events. I was the only person sitting in the restaurant. A guy walks in and immediately ask me “would you like some company?”  I was taken aback by that and in my awkwardness I laughed and said “what?”. He then went to order his food. I got in line behind him to get a bottle of water bit got back to my seat before him. He then got his food and was walking to the door. I asked him “what did you say earlier?” and he said “I asked if you could use some company” and pointed to the empty chair in front of me. I kind of laughed again nervously and awkwardless and shrugged “I don’t know, I guess”. He then said “well you have a good night” and left. I wanted to go outside after him because I felt so dumb for not letting him sit with me. I didn’t know if I should. Part of me thought what if he was a weirdo. I am always apprehensive about men approaching me because of my experience with weird men and street harassment. On the other hand He was attractive. I thought he was cute. Why didn’t I just say “sure” and let him? He could’ve been a nice guy. I did think he looked kind of young. He could’ve been close in age to me. I hate that I didn’t say sure. I was timing my bus though and needed to get home. Ugh. Talk about a missed opportunity .  I always complain about men not aproaching me but when they do, I am either oblivious or Hella awkward. I wish I wasn’t so awkward when it came to dating. It really hinders my dating life I feel. I wish that men could look past my awkwardness and still pursue me. I feel like I’m a good catch and an great gal. Sure I have some things to work on but I’m very caring. Oh well. I text my friends after that happened and they gave mixed advice. When I asked a little bit ago on FB, the few people who commented said they would let a random person sit with them  Ugh. What is wrong either me???

When I left out the restaurant and vice few minutes after him, I didn’t seem him on the street. I thought to maybe say something if it did. But I didn’t see gim and it was snowing and dark outside so I wouldn’t be able to see him anyways. I just walked to the bus stop mad at myself for not letting him sit with me. I ended up speaking to one of my friends on a phone a little bit after that happened and she said that maybe I need to eat alone by myself more often. I told her it probably won’t happen again because it never does. She said it might and to just try. The neighborhood I was in was a neighborhood I wanted to move too. I feel like it would put me around more black men. It was a black man who asked to sit with me. Maybe I’ll run into him again if I don’t forget his face. I guess I will just have to go to that restaurant and neighborhood to eat more often to see.

Fear

Happy late new year! I haven’t updated my blog since last year. I am home in another leave recovering, and I might go into that sometime later, but I am ok. I guess I had on my mind to talk about somethings I’m dealing with.

Sometimes I don’t feel very smart. I don’t know why. Like I know that I am smart but I always doubt myself. Growing up I didn’t gave the best grades but I always loved to learn sometimes while at the library as a kid, instead of doing my homework, I would read books in the library about animals. I use to want to be a scientist. I had a box of zoology cards on different animals that my mom bought me and a science kit with a microscope that my dad bought me. I guess that dream was probably squashed when my aunt told me that scientists don’t believe in God. I’m sure she don’t remember telling me that, but I do. And being the church girl I was, at about 9, 10 or 11 years old, I decided I couldn’t be one. Of course I understand that my aunt is wrong. Yes some might not but others do. She probably didn’t realize how that would affect me. It’s funny how words in your childhood can affect your path in life.

So growing up, I loved science class still. Even with my aunt telling me that, I still enjoyed learning about cells, bones, muscles and how the body works in biology class in high school. I also loved chemistry and physics.  I didn’t do too well in biology and chemistry class though I loved it, but I did well in physics. Though I loved science, I also loved art too. I was always creating stuff. One of my aunts is an artist so she would bring art supplies and show me and my brother art projects when she would visit. We were always creating and drawing something.  We would also make our own clay. In high school I accidentally got into theatre.  Now I was exposed to theatre in elementary school, but high school is what really started that love. The summer after 9th grade our school was open for summer school and summer activities programs. My homeroom teacher asked us to help with a play for the new incoming freshmen in the fall. She was in charge of the Drama club. I told her I was too shy to be on stage. She told me I could help back stage and be on stage crew. After that I stayed with theatre.  Even majored in it in college and tried to keep with it after college but decided to take a break a few years ago when I went to grad school. Theatre was great and all but I wasn’t finding full time work. I needed to find something to be able to survive and pay bills. I worked regular jobs at this time but it wasn’t what I wanted to do.

My shift from theatre and going back to school had me trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I figured since the grad program I was in was short, it could help shed light on what I really wanted to do and point me in the right direction.  It may even help me to get into a different grad program if I do good in it because my undergraduate GPA was not the best. I graduated in 2014 with a 3.8 something GPA.  However in 2016 I am still struggling to find my way. Why is this? Sometimes I look at jobs and I doubt that I could either do the job or that they would even hire me. Friends tell me to apply anyway because you just never know. Still, I end up having this fear, lack of confidence and self doubt stifle me. I end up at times not feeling smart enough to do a job or that my grammar isn’t good wnough or that I will have trouble comprehending sonething. The crazy thing is I know I can do any job. I am a quick learner. I’ve even come across many people and I wonder how they got a job when I know I’m just as smart and if not smarter than them. So why do I question my intelligence?  I don’t know why this fear freezes me up but it does. This is something that I have been working on trying to conquer because I want a better quality of life. I’m sure it’s depression.  I’m positive it is. That isn’t healthy them because I am not living the best life I possibly can. I have spoken to my counselor about this and we have been working on ways for me to overcome thid. Though I have made some progress, I still struggle. I am so scared of being stuck and struggling career wise and financially. Maybe my progress feels stalled because I am on leave and healing. Hopefully by end of year, or actually by end of summer, I’ll be on the right track. I’ve been thinking of what my next move in life should be. By end of year I will be halfway to 70 so I need to get some things in order and on the right path. Maybe I should move and explore a new city. Sometimes I’m wanting a change. I’ve even toyed with going into something for computers or going into something in the medical field to renew my love for science. I don’t know. Hopefully we’ll see some changes in me and some plans in motion soon.

My Time and Energy Isn’t For Everyone…

…not anymore at least. Over the last few months I had been thinking about how much energy I’ve put into the things other people do. I’d check on them. Be genuinely concerned about them. Even be their cheerleader, rooting them on with their projects, business plans and endeavors. I get particularly proud because I am happy for those friends and family of mine who are making their way and following their dreams. Especially my friends who are black because I am a big on supporting black businesses and letting folks know that they’re out there. Now I’m just sort of like meh! I can’t waste the time or energy anymore. Some of these same people don’t even call to check on me and see about my well being. Some haven’t checked on me since I had surgery. Some didn’t know I was having surgery because they never check on me. I can’t even get folks to spend time with me, hang with me, or if I’m in their city, show me around? I’ve decided to let these people flake off since they are flakes and not really good friends (or faimily). I have put so much energy into so many people, even been their PR lady as one person jokingly called me before. But not anymore. I know that sometimes people may have their own stuff that they’re going through, so they may be distant, but I have stuff I’m going through as well. Even with that, I still would check on people. Why nuture relationships (and by this I mean with friends and family) when those people aren’t putting forth the same effort? Call me jaded, but it’s just something I can’t do anymore. I can’t put my time and energy into people who aren’t deserving of it. I’ve had enough. I’m not even sure why I put that effort and energy into people in the first place. Time to spend that energy on self.

259.7

I stepped on the scale this morning with clothes on and it said I weighed 261.1 lbs. I stepped back on it without clothes on and only my flip flops and it said 259.7lbs. This is the biggest that I’ve weighed in my life. It seems as though everytime I gain weight back, I get bigger than what I was before. I was worried hitting 250lbs a few weeks after my surgery.  My getting my eating under control after surgery didn’t work as planned.  I kept eating out of boredom.  I finally returned to work a little over a month ago and now I eat because I’m unhappy. I am an emotional eater.

I’ve been really trying to figure out how to make a change in my life so that I can be happy. I have struggled with depression and anxiety over the years but have had a handle on it. I learned how to cope with it. I learned how to change my way of thinking.  I became more social which brought some happiness to me. Things have changed over the years. People have come and gone from my life and new people have come again. Being on the birth control shot to help my symptoms with my fibroid tumors has brought a lot of my depression and anxiety back in my opinion. I realized I started feeling depressed again after being on the depo-provera shot. That was back around  in like August of 2013. I decided that after I have my surgery,  I would get off the shot. My follow up shot was due in August.  I didn’t take it. I have read lots of stories online of women and the affects of depo-provera with weight gain and depression. Some have said it takes a while to get out of your system.  Since I took my last shot in May and it last 3 months, maybe it will take a few more months to get on track.

Besides the depo-provera shot, something else that maybe causing my unhappiness right now is my life. I am not wear I want to be. I lack confidence in some areas so it’s hard for me to interview even when I know I am capable of doing the job. I am a quick learner. I feel like I am an intelligent person.  I am also struggling with my writing.  Even though I know I am intelligent,  people judge you by your grammar skills. So it’s something I need to work on. Especially when I comes to applying to jobs where I need to write. Also returning to work with a new manager who isn’t very nice,  rule changes at work, it has been a very stressful month. I feel that I can do much more than what I’m doing here  but it becomes discouraging when you send your resume out but aren’t getting any replies.

I’m coming to a crossroads I’m my life. Do I continue with wanting to work with youth? Do I leave full time work to work with a youth program art time? Or do I go to school for a black studies program which is really my passion, or do I pursue something that I have had a peaked interest in, like computer sciences, so that I can make money these next 30 years plus years until retirement? The computer interest has come up since I’ve been saying lately that black kids need to go into STEM majors/fields. If I’m saying they should, why can’t i? Do I leave the city I love and find work elsewhere first before I make a decision to go back to school? So many things have been running through my mind but I know one thing, I need a change.

Another thing that causes unhappiness for me is being single. It’s lonely and I miss the companionship. haven’t been in a relationship since 2009 and while I have dated over the years I have come across men who have come off as verbally abusive, or they are liars and cheaters. Dating has been hard and to find someone who is of quality is hard, especially on an online dating site or app, which is what I’ve been using.  I wish I could just be walking down the street heading to lunch, shopping in the grocery store  or on the train heading to work and the love of my life finds me. But it seems as though things doesn’t work out that way and that’s for movies.

I hope to get my life back on track soon. I’ve been going to counseling for a while,  trying to work through things and fears. Hopefully by this time next year I will be in a much better better place, especially since I can’t afford counseling forever lol. It’s been helping me to talk about things that I can’t talk to with other people and provides a safe space for me. I’ve been debating speaking about my depression and anxiety on here. I usually do that on my old blog, but I needed to vent. I may take this down. I shared my blog link with a few people I know a while back and I don’t know if they read it. Sometimes folks don’t want to talk about these things because you never know if someone is judging you or rooting against you.

Anyway I hope to find some happiness soon. I hope that this happiness brings me into a better mental state and in better health. I want to stop eating so much our of boredom and unhappiness.  I want to get over the sugar addiction i have. I want to fit into the clothes i can’t fit.  I’m sick of the pain this unhappiness is causing me. The tears I have been crying as of late the last few weeks. Maybe it’s also the affects of having surgery.  I won’t be fully healed until a year. I’m still having to take my time when it comes to exercising. Surgery took an emotional toll on me too. So that on top of everything else just sucks, but I hope I’m better soon. Some people in my life don’t really understand,  so I’ll vent here.

My Facebook Rant #1 (Black People Please Learn Spanish!)

(Oh but you do need to learn it…..you REALLY do!)

Sometimes on my Facebook page, I go into rants. I step on my soap box and give my opinions on things because in my mind, they seem logical. In some cases they probably are and in other cases they may have some flaws.  Due to the Facebook Memories feature which has popped up in the last few months, I have been coming across many interesting post from my Facebook profile over the last 10 years. I joined Facebook during my last year of college. That’s when my school got added to the website and that is when Facebook was still for college students only. I can tell the difference in a lot of my post the older I got and the more race conscious I became. I think I have always been race conscious, but became maybe more serious about it over the last couple of years. Especially since Trayvon. Especially because of Mike Brown. There has been so much I have been wanting to touch on here. The killings of black people by police or crazed killers but every time I want to, I don’t. I just rant and post about it on my Facebook page, never posting anything about it to my blog. and every time I don’t, a new situation pops up. I’ve wanted to write about since starting this blog, Walter Scott, Freddie Gray and the 9 victims in the Charleston shooting, but I didn’t and now someone else has been taken from us: Sandra Bland. I promise I will eventually start writing that stuff, maybe even share my FB post about those instances once they start coming in my FB memories. I’m still at home recovering from surgery, so I need to. I should at least write everyday instead of watching reruns of Martin, Good Times, What’s Happening, Living Single, Sandford and Son, The Jeffersons, Gimme a Break and Girlfriends on TVOne. Right now, I want to share something that came in my Facebook memories, as I will with a few of my post.

I’ve been thinking a lot about black folks over these last few years, especially black people in the United States. I care a lot about my people. There has been so much going on with us getting killed, the Black Lives Matters movement, with people appropriating our culture and not giving us
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Surgery Follow Up

Hey y’all,

I’m about 11 days since surgery and I’m doing well. I posted a follow up post on my surgery blog. Please click here to read!  You can see my previous post about surgery on the post below this one. I hope to get back to blogging on here sometime this week. I have a lot to say that I keep saying on Facebook but I really feel like I should share on here. I hope all is well with everyone!